my beautiful mind

I went over to sharan's place on the internet.

I noticed that there is a post in there from about a week ago that i haven't read. I wondered what had been keeping me from blogs and blog-people for a week. I am known to leave things dangling at times but what have i been doing for the last week that kept me from this place?

Answer is: nothing.

All the other instances of sudden absence that i can remember have been for some reason or the other. This time however, i cannot attribute my abandoning of this blogosphere and the inhabitants of this world and my dear friends among those inhabitants to anything.

And then, to set things into proper chronological perspective, i scrolled down to the little link that says 'err-umm-okay'. The little italicised line under it read '5 weeks ago'.

And then it hit me. It has brushed past me before; but this time, it hit me like it probably never has before ('probably' because even if it hit me hard before, i could've forgotten - my memory is rotten).

I haven' been good.

I have no plans of what i am going to do or when i am going to do what i have to do.

I take the ticking hands of time for granted.

In all these years, I have not learnt (or have probably forgotten) that time flies and you have to hold on to it.

And with time, all those little things and people that you so cherish fly by and never come back again.

What has been happening in the last 5 weeks?

'My Share' was posted when i lived in a room. Now, i live in a closet.

I had fewer things to worry about then; but now, I have a few more to think about and set straight.

The semester that seemed all set to be the worst of the lot temporarily seemed to make sense. And then, now it looks like a mighty drag down to some sewer... (time will fill the ellipses)

I have learnt more about the people I have been studying with for the past few years.

I have more reasons to disdain and to admire the ones around me.

I have taken decisions that probably mean that manhood has crept around the corner and is ready to pounce on me. Not just one - but two.

I have learnt that people die. I have also learnt that the only thing that looks easier to me on foresight is someone's death. When it is upon me, it doesn't seem as simple or common.

I went on a trip and didn't get down to see the destination. We just drove back along the road that got us there.

I met many new people. Made some friends and made some enemies.

I've done all that and more.

So, why did i not blog? Death.

Not being empathetic gives you emotional strength of a strange sort.

It allows you to treat everyone with the same respect (or disrespect). You needn't control your reactions depending on who is on the receiving end. It gives you the freedom to act without much thought. You do what you want to.

But this can also be a bad thing.

It was painful to learn that Clifford Aranha passed away. Was devastating.

Even more devastating when I remember that walk one evening during these vacations when he got out of a cab right in front of me and i walked right behind him for about a minute without calling him from behind. I was probably too lazy to remind him who i was just in case he forgot. I think i told myself "He will be around and so will I.. I'll meet him some other time"

But that was the last time i would get to see him. The last time i would get to see that almost shiny face with a moustache that looked vaguely like one drawn with a pencil. The last time I would get to see the man whose heart had to be electrified back to life and could still stand up straight and imposing like a man.

The last time i would get to see the man who made us feel like men.

There are somethings that no book can teach us. Somethings that only life can teache us. Life teaches us these things through men like Aranha sir.

But he smoked. He drank. And I guess he knew what was coming to him. RIP

I live in a cocoon that is protected from emotions.

I drown myself in apathy like it is a narcotic. But these departed souls purge it out of me and make me want to have spent more time with them.

When they drag you out of that viscous emotionless ocean, and all the emotions in the world hit your heart like darts, you feel like a unclothed creature shivering in freezing cold.

It is not just Aranha. I remember Suja Ali, I remember that kid who got run over, I remember my brother in law, i remember my uncle.

But after all this, another day dawns and like clockwork, the routine takes over and I decide to dive back into the apathy. It keeps you from liking or loving someone but also helps me keep myself from becoming someone i'll later hate.

You are freed (or deprived) of the impetus of doing something for someone just because you like them. Sometimes, every good friend you see reminds you of how not good a friend you have been and that can hurt at times. Sometimes, the crayon and mr.murphy and the bubble bottle yell at me for being an ungreatful moron.

And at othertimes, they comfort me by telling me that there are people who are worth the empathy.

I thank the ones that keep the hope in me alive and i curse the ones that make me wish i had never known them.

Heh.. :) sometimes, i even feel like Scrooge.. N I am my own three ghosts :D

Sanity is a man's best friend.

Some find sanity in god, others find comfort in vices.

I am mentally stronger than most people and i know it. I can bury emotional turmoil and joyous exuberance in an expressionless face.

I label this as sanity though I know many people won't. I am unique i guess.

Even when the glimmer of hope looks like it is about to fade away, sanity stays.

It tells me "even this will pass" (sharan told me nithya)

And with that, it convinces me to stay away from what my good old friends have resorted to.

i feel like i can go on for ages. but i know i cannot and that i have to sleep.

If u are at the crossroads, just tell yourself that destiny awaits everyone and that "even this will pass"

and among others, i thank u (yes u) for making me realise that gifting can be fun.